My Dream Is Coming True
March 2018
I’d just moved to North Carolina from Maryland because of my relationship ending, and my mom was kind enough to let me stay with her for a little to get back on my feet. Plus she was also just really, really happy that I was finally out of the relationship and that we’d finally be able to talk again. Yeah, it was one of those relationships where they brainwash and convince you your whole family is against you and the relationship.
So after an entire day catching up, getting brought up to speed on what the family’s done and been up to, and a lot of explaining of course of what brought me back, I was finally able to start recharging and lay my head down. For the first time in a very long time, I actually felt at ease. I was beyond relaxed and was able to fall asleep in just minutes, instead of when the birds started chirping as usual.
I also knew the new environment was already benefitting me because I was dreaming, which rarely happened before, but it was also extremely vivid, to the point I wouldn’t have been able to tell it was any different from real life if I hadn’t already been really good at lucid dreaming.
As the dream is happening, I look around and see tall, wooden picket fences that looked like they had just finished being built, but something in me already knew they were pretty old, but they just looked really good. And I still remember seeing willow trees that were the most beautiful I’d ever seen. They were pink willow trees, but just looking at them, it was as if they were radiating this feeling of peace, contentment, and love. Or maybe that was because it felt damn near impossible to take my eyes off of them. At least not until I saw an old white guy dressed in a white button-down shirt with white pants, with a black guy next to him that looked familiar. As they got closer and closer, I was becoming more and more convinced this man I was looking at…was me.
It wasn’t my current face at all. He was darker, much taller, and more muscular than me as well. He was basically looking like a chocolate adonis, but it wasn’t me.
As they continued walking and talking, I also noticed how the black man radiated absolute confidence and strength. Just looking at him I had so many things I wanted to ask. I felt like he’d be the type to keep in your life because they’re farther along in life than you, they can teach, they can guide.
He and the old man finally stopped walking at another one of the willow trees. Anxious and not wanting to be seen, I hid behind a fence but was still within earshot so I could be a nosy little shit and listen in on what they were saying. Maybe I could learn something.
So I peek over the fence a little and start hearing the old man talking and ask me-but-not-me:
“So how’s it feel to finally be the man you’ve wanted for so long?”
Me-but-not-me smiled with a soft chuckle and answered:
“It feels really damn good. Past me would think I was lying or probably think I was setting him up if I told him this was in his future. But maybe not since he’s right behind that damn fence thinking he’s actually hiding.”
They both laughed and the old man told me it was more than fine to come out. As I got closer and closer to me-but-not-me, I was definitely right about the energy he gave off, but he was also right about me not believing it would be him. He had the energy I so badly wanted to exude and it absolutely intimidated me. Not the terrified kind of intimidated, but the envious, how the hell is this even possible kind of intimidated.
The old man turned to me and said:
“I know you’re in so much disbelief right now, and definitely wondering how you could possibly cultivate yourself into this kind of human being, but you can, and you will. You just need to stay on your path of introspection, growth, and never allow that warmth in your heart or the fire in your soul to be put out. By yourself or anyone else. Ever.”
I looked at me-but-not-me for a few seconds and replied:
“Honestly, I don’t know if I can do that. But I’ll try my best.”
After saying that, me-but-not-me held his hand out for a fist bump. He didn’t say a word, but I knew it was to seal the deal. Our way of saying alright, now you gotta make sure you do this. This is your word.
And after we bumped fists, a couple of tears ran down my cheeks. Me-but-not-me wiped them away, gave me one of the most compassionate hugs I’ve ever received, and told me:
“Please don't worry, you’ve got this. You just gotta stop underestimating yourself. You’re a damn force to be reckoned with, now act like it! We believe in you.”
That brought the biggest smile to my face and made me think to myself that I was most definitely talking to future me. I’ve always loved making my pep talks sound angry, but that’s just the passion.
As they walked away and the dream began to slowly turn black, I vowed to myself I’d keep that promise. I had no idea how long it would take, especially since I wasn’t totally confident I could anyway, but I made myself that promise.
September 2021. 3 years later
I’m not 100% the man I aspire to be, I’m not exactly where I want to be in life, but I am 110% happy and proud of the man I am today. I’m loving, caring, compassionate, empathetic, I can teach, I find myself giving words of wisdom, I’m reliable, and people express how they trust that they can depend on me, which actually means more than anyone could ever know. And in life, again, it isn’t where I want it to be exactly, but I’ve got enough clarity and gratitude to know I’m blessed.
My ambition and its fire seem to only grow and grow as I get older, my passion for life and giving love and compassion to whoever crosses my path has only gotten more and more powerful the more I learn and grow to understand myself.
So yeah, I think I can say that this warmth in my heart and the fire that lights my soul ablaze definitely isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
