My Spiritual journey in life with women — Ex #1
When I was 15 is when I got my first girlfriend, she was my first everything. We only knew each other for 3 days before we got into a relationship. And just like my mother, she was also a Virgo. She was like my mother in almost every way, which I should’ve seen as a sign I was about to put myself through absolute hell, but I had on ultra thick rose colored glasses. I ignored all the red flags. I most definitely saw them, they were right in my face. I just chose to ignore them. Fuck it, right?
9 months into the relationship, she cheats. I talked to her about it. I wanted to get to the bottom of what I believed at the time was my fault. Not enough attention, too much attention, my quirkiness is obnoxious, I’m emotionally closed off, I go to my MMA gym too much. I didn’t know it at the time but I was allowing her to slowly but surely mold me like clay into who and whatever she wanted. Even when she created what she desired, it still wasn’t enough. The cheating continued. There was even a time period where a couple times a week, we’d be talking on the phone, then the guy she’s cheating with would come over and she’d get off the phone with me to be with him. I knew. I just believed that me going with this would help things. That eventually she’d see my efforts and be with just me. Yeah, ouch.
Then the cheating eventually came with a heaping side of emotional, mental, and physical abuse (not on my end, btw). The cheating started happening so often she didn’t even bother hiding it anymore. She told me to my face numerous times that she saw me as below her and that she had no respect for me. Yeah, again..ouch.
When I was 21 I drowned. We went swimming in a river one day. We decided to swim from one side to the other. I didn’t know how to swim swim, so I doggy paddled. My body was totally spent in about 5 minutes. I tried floating on my back but my body was done, it immediately just sank. I tried treading water, nope. My body was shut down. I saw three men fishing and screamed for help as loud as I could. I watched as they looked at me, packed their shit and sped off.
Damn. So this is how I’m going out.
I wake up and throw up so much water and have the worst headache of my life that lasts for hours. I told her from then on that since she saved my life, I was forever in her debt. Good intentions, huge mistake.
Fast forward several years later. March 17th, 2018. At this point we’ve been together for 9 and a half years. She’s in the shower. I’m playing Dragonball: FighterZ on my Xbox and she gets a text. “I had a really good time with you last night. I’m glad you came over.” Hm. She told me she was with one of her girlfriends. And I saw plenty of penises as well. During this time, I’m going through a heavy episode of insomnia. I’ve been dealing with it since I was 8, but at this point I’m only getting literally 1 or 2 hours of sleep. So as I laid there, I talked to the universe. I told her how miserable I was, how dead inside I felt, and that this was never the kind of person I envisioned myself with, yet here I am putting what little life force I have left into with a person who obviously doesn’t love me, let alone even respect me. So I begged the universe to send a sign or opportunity for me to get the hell out. I swore I would take it and just run with it. Then…I actually fell asleep.
Next day, March 18th, 2018. We’re playing zombies on Call of Duty: WW2. We somehow got onto the topic of flirting. She told me what she considered flirting and I told her my opinion on what I thought counted as flirting. She believes anything beyond casual talk is flirting; hi, hello, how was your weekend, all that jazz. I said flirting is conversation, comments, actions, with desire behind it. That’s why a simple hey can be flirty. As soon as I ended my sentence, she immediately paused the game and turned her whole body towards me. I already knew she was pissed. Her energy went from 0–100 real quick. It was at this moment though, that I realized this was the opportunity I asked for just a few hours earlier. This was the universe giving me my way out. So instead of saying what I definitely knew she wanted to hear, I just rolled with it. Eventually she told me since I felt that way, that I could get the hell out. So that’s exactly what I did.
An hour later I call my dad to come get me. My mom was so happy I was finally leaving and said I could live with her 400 miles away in North Carolina. My ex cut me off from my whole family so I only talked to them when she felt like it, which was about once every 6 or so months.
As time to leave was creeping closer, I went through hours of what I now recognize as the universe seeing if I was serious about leaving. If ending this chapter of my life was what I really wanted. I’m waiting, she’s begging me to stay, telling me how much she’ll change and how different things will be from now on. I stay strong. I feel so compelled to stay, it’s so damn tempting, but I stay strong and keep saying no. She then gets frustrated, asking if I’m doing it for my dad since I already called him. Basically, she was saying that I’m not staying so I don’t look stupid. Never mind the cheating, I just don’t want to look like an idiot.
I will be honest though. I was beyond tempted. The more she said things would change, the more I started believing her. I actually started to believe that over almost a decade, this would be the time she finally changes. This is what I’ve been working so hard on all these years. She saw I was ready to leave so she should take me more serious, right? But I reminded myself that we’ve been doing this dance for 9 and a half years, now is the time to break the cycle. Nothing has changed, nor will anything change in the future. GO!
3 hours later my dad arrives to pick me up. I gather all of my bags and put them in his trunk. I went back into the apartment to say goodbye to my 3 year old Russian Blue, Bossman, and my German Shepherd/Pitbull mix, Neeko. We then gave each other a final kiss and a hug that lasted about 10 straight minutes with us both crying. We said we love each other and I was on my way. The hug brought even more temptation, but I knew it was a necessary piece of the puzzle to close out the chapter.
Me and my dad went to the mall. We saw a movie then got pizza and calzones from Sbarro. I also got an amazing pink lemonade. I felt so free and like a massive weight had been lifted from my soul. I missed her, but I reassured myself I wasn’t going back. I was done this time. Afterwards, he took me to the bus station. He helped me with my bags and waited and talked with me while we waited for the bus. Before I did go, he told me how proud of me he was that I finally stood my ground and got away from all of that. Hearing him say that felt good and reassured me I made the right decision.
This bus ride was a grueling 12 hours. There were 3 stops and I had nothing but my music and my thoughts. I started freaking out inside. I started missing her even more and wondered if I truly made the right decision. And at that moment, she texted me saying she loves and misses me. I immediately started thinking I was too hasty, that I actually made the wrong decision. I need to be back there taking care of her and the animals. I need to go back and be a man. She told me to come back, I agreed.
At the second stop, I asked if there was a bus headed back to Maryland. They said not for another day and a half. I saw that as a huge ass reminder of why I’m where I’m at in the first place and to keep strong.
I finally arrive in North Carolina. I can’t even begin to explain how happy my mom was to see me, she missed me so much. Despite her rheumatoid arthritis, she hugged me so damn tightly. That hug was everything I needed to know that I really did make the right choice. This was the first time on my own in almost 10 years. I felt like a baby in the world. I was beyond terrified of what was to come next, but I knew I could do it.
Despite the volatility and abuse from this relationship, I will always forever be grateful for it. All the experiences with her shaped who and what I am today. I gained new found strength, confidence and most wonderfully, self love.
